Subject: -interoffice memo

Effective Immediately:


 SICK DAYS:

 We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.

 If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 SURGERY:

 Operations are now banned.  As long as you are an employee here, you need all of your organs.  You should not consider removing anything.  We hired you intact.  To have something removed constitutes a breack of employment.
 PERSONAL DAYS:

 Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday and Sunday.

 VACATION DAYS:

 All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.  The
vacation days are as follows: Jan 1, July 4, and Dec. 25.


 BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

 This is no excuse for missing work.  There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.  Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.  In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

 OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:

 This will be accepted as an excuse.  However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

 RESTROOM USE:

 Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.  In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.  For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.  If you're  unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.  In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker.  Both employees' supervisors must approve in writing this exchange.  In addition, there is now a strict 3-minutetime limit in the stalls.  At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

 DRESS CODE:

 It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary; if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our organization. We are here to provide a positive  employment experience.  Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.Have a nice week.

The Management